I am Sorry, my darling James

It was weird and sudden but the emo-ness just struck me off-handed.

It all happened after I returned from my JB cum Legoland trip on 20/3. I suddenly feel very suffocated and unhappy. By Friday (22/3), I was feeling v upset and extremely emo. I was shocked when I told my hubby that I felt like throwing James into the dustbin when I heard his crying. I knew I need a break.

A break from the children and from my role as a mother. I can't say I am not ready to have a second child because I spent months and months listing out and self-battling with the push and pull factors. We knew one is not enough but we hope we chose a Gd time to have another. We knew now is the best time when we have settled down in the new house, stable income, a Gd helper and the Gd age gap between Jamie and the baby.

I knew I need to sacrifice some of my personal time for the new baby. I knew we cannot be as mobile as before, at least for the first 6 months. I knew I will have to assist part of the routine care for both children.

I even knew James will b different from Jamie when I was pregnant. But I wasn't prepared for a new baby with a totally different personality and development pace, compared with Jamie.

I know it's wrong to compare but which parents don't compare. It's normal for parents to wonder when the new baby doesn't reach the benchmark hit by the older sibling. It's normal for parents to wonder what's wrong with the baby and when is he so different.

Though all prepared, I was still caught helpless when it happened. I didn't know what's wrong with James When he can't self-entertain himself and be highly adaptable like Jamie.

It was a good break from all these emo thoughts I had. I have great support from my friends too, ESP those with children. I really grateful to have them standing by me.

I feel much better now. I told myself to accept James as he is. He may be different from Jamie or even slower in development than Jamie. But I should be thankful as long as he is healthy and strong. He can always catch up later if he has the abilities. Otherwise we can teach him how to make the best of what he has :)

I am sorry, my darling James... Mummy really loves u as who you are.