衰神缠身

不知道这场过年前的大病，是不是一种“一切都会雨过天晴”的征兆，还是只不过是衰神缠身的一部分。

其实有时真的很累。我从来也没放弃过自己；我也一直都在努力地与“衰神”战斗。可是我真的很衰。就差那么一点点就跨过衰气冲天的四年，就差那么一点点就可以证明自己的价值。但是，我还是失败了。我在最重要的关头病倒了。

也不知道这意味着什么未来。但是我已经累到没发去思考、没发去理会。我有时真的只想好好珍惜我现在还拥有的一切。我也想就这样听天由命吧。。。顺其自然好了。

但是我不甘心，就差那么一点点。只要我不放弃，不到最后一分钟我还是可以扭转结局。我告诉自己这将是因祸得福的一场病！

你可以取笑我的天真、取笑我的过度乐观，但是你无法强迫我接受这是我的索命。 我相信一切都是因果循环，只要我赎玩罪就可以翻身了。一切就等时机。。。

New Year Hair Makeover

Lunar New Year's coming!

Hehehe... and a new start must have a new hair style and colour ;) May the new "me" will only have good luck this year! 

These days my pretty princess had been following me wherever I go. So today she also followed me to the hair salon. When she found out that I am going to perm (curl) my hair...

Jamie: Oh.. But if you curl your hair, we will not be the same anymore! 

Me: Oh.. Then why not you curl your hair too?

Jamie: Hmmm.. Let me first see if your curl is pretty! 

Ohh.. Hahaha.. I love my princess who not only likes to follow me wherever I go, she also wants to look just like me and do what I do too! ^^ But I think she will grow up to be vain like me too :P

Take one last look at my straight brown hair... Bye Bye straight hair! 

Actually I was quite nervous about the outcome of the Korean digital perm which Matthew had recommended. Well, Matthew was always right when he introduced me my previous hair colors . So I knew I could trust his judgement on the perm outcome. It's just that I had a really bad experience during my previous romantic curl perm in year 2008. It somehow turned into a disaster because 1) my hair colour was black. Ermm I didn't have the budget to perm and dye on the same day. 2) it was those big and tight curls type of perm 3) I was too lazy to maintain the curl. So it somehow made me looked super aunty. I couldn't stand it and rebonded my hair after a month. 

There was two other times when I did those temporary-styled big curls for some events and I just looked really +10 years to my age. 

I always wanted purplish red for my hair color coz I think it will give me that "anime" look. Heehee... But I don't know if I can take the colour well. I spoke to Matthew the last time about the purplish colour I had in mind but was discouraged by him. He is not like those hair stylists who only guarantee the immediate outcome of any hair treatment/perm/colour.. The reason that I become Matthew's regular customer was because he is sincere about making sure our hair style/colour suit our features, suit our lifestyle and can last. He knew I do not have much time to maintain my hair as I need to juggle my roles as a wife and a mother. He also knew I am scared to look "mature". He also knew I wanted to try a purplish hair colour. He actually went home to research and think about the best way to give me a lasting purplish red hair and a natural looking perm (which is versatile enough for me to play around with it - adjust the curls' tightness as and when I like/want to. 

Ta-Da! This is how I look now! Really love the colour and the natural look of the perm! And this is only my indoor look! 

When I was under the sun, I can see the purplish shades even clearer! 

I hope my bosses and colleagues will not be too shocked to see me tomorrow! :P

Hehehe! But I really love the perm and colour! So did Jamie! Now she is asking me if she can perm and colour her hair too! Haha!

Enjoy Life's Uncertainties - Night at the Museum 3

Oops I was looking through my "blog backlog" and noticed I hadn't sent this movie review out. Oops... And it's already off screen. Nevertheless, it's a movie not to be missed like all of Ben Stiller's recent movies...

Movies never fails to give me new insights about life.. Sometimes, I even feel that my guardian angel is "speaking" to me via movies, because I always seem to be watching the "right" movies at the "right" time...or maybe I unknowingly watch the "right" movies to convince myself of my unconscious thoughts... 

At the beginning of the year, I watched two very meaningful movies. One is <Night at the Museum 3> and the other <Into the Woods>. I will share more about <Into the Woods> in another review. (Should I be able to find the energy to do so..)

I never missed any of the Night in the Museum Movies since year 2006. It was the year I got legally married and entered a new stage of my life. I knew I wanted to marry my Laogong all along but I didn't expect him to propose to me earlier than I expected him to. Afterall he just graduated from NTU back then and was still studying in NIE. I was his only girlfriend (for 6 years by then) but I thought maybe he should still experience work life first before he decided if he is "ready" for a lifelong commitment. I didn't want him to propose to me because he knew I wanted him to and had waited patiently for him to ask for my hand. 

Life was uncertain but exciting. Laogong and I even tried backpacking and travelled 30hours by bus from Singapore to Bangkok, after our ROM. It was really fun trying to solve the "challenges" as they came. We almost couldn't find the air tickets back to Singapore before my vacation leave ended :P

But somehow the excitement didn't last very long. We slowly get sucked into the stress of ensuring financial stability. We had to save up to hold our wedding dinner in year 2008, had our first child in year 2009 and renovated our new house in year 2011. 

Things got worse when I ended up in a job which I liked very much but seemed to have no light down the tunnel. Everything I thought was "real", was actually an "illusion". Everything I tried so hard to do to get it "right", actually was "wrong" from the start. 

I became a very unhappy person because I became frightened by the uncertainties in my life. Everything that used to seem right became all wrong. I started to doubt my judgement and I started to also doubt if I could have made better decisions as a good wife, mother and person.. 

But lately, I started to realize maybe I was actually on the right track all along. The track I presumed suited me, was actually not going to work out no matter how hard I tried. Maybe I was then just too engrossed in my "box" and was too eager to seek the sense of belonging, that I lost my "six sense" to detect that things were "not right" from the beginning. 

I now believe that things were meant to be. I was meant to go through the stress and unhappiness, so that I can emerge to become a better person and to learn to appreciate what I already have. I am glad I was actually "saved" :P I am glad I didn't stubbornly continue to "blind myself". I am glad I have really many 贵人 aka angels around me to guide and enlighten me. 

Thank you all who have sincerely encouraged and coached me. Thank you for your faith and 打抱不平... I will always remember your kindness and guidance. 

I also understand myself a bit better after doing the personalities test on http://www.16personalities.com. Everything that I do and feel suddenly make sense. I started to accept that we can't be in control of everything. And we should not blame ourselves for everything that didn't worked out the way we wish it does. 

Recently, someone also reminded me of something, which I thought through and agreed is very true. She said that no matter how hard we try, we cannot stop someone from wanting to judge us. And we are unable to control how the person want to judge us too. So why should we be bothered or be upset about something we cannot control? I know that fearing to be judged is what always makes me "freeze". But this year, I tell myself that I need and want to "defrost" myself and "Let it Go". 

<Night in the Muesum 3> seems to be telling people to step out of their comfort zones, to explore the unknown and to enjoy the uncertainties in life. The only constant in life is the change itself..  The unknown is what makes life interesting isn't it? If our everyday life is merely following a regime, we will soon get bored of life. It's the unknown and the uncertainties that makes every new day worth looking forward to. 

<Night in the Museum 3> also teaches me that when my children grow up, I should let them explore their lives and not force them to follow the "conventional" track. Maybe they will make mistakes and maybe they will fall but the learning through experiencing lives is priceless..

It's a great movie and Ben Stiller is a very good actor/comedian! His other recent movie about Mitty Wartor, makes me want to let go of everything and just run into the "wild" to "live my life". But I guess it's a bit hard for the next 13-16 years.  However I am also someone who believes there must be a way to try and juggle my role as me, a wife and a mother, it's just that I haven't found the "right" way to. I will not give up and I will continue to learn to be a better person, wife and mother. I may fall again but "Success is not measure by how many times we fall down but measure by how fast we get up After we fall down..."

Well, the reason I am still standing here instead of running away, is what makes me me ^^ Let's all enjoy the fear.. The uncertainties and the unknown...and take control of how you want to react to challenges... ^^ 

迎接2015

一眨眼，新的一年的第一个月就过去了。照理由我通常是会在新的一年的第一天写一个“回顾篇”， 但是这次例外。

因为我知道回顾只会在自己的伤口上撒盐。

但是犯贱的人们，不就时常需要这种自虐才懂得珍惜还拥有的一切吗？

一月一日，对很多人来说是新的一年的开始。对我来说除了想念故人，同时也包含了感恩与期待。

想念故人

家公离开我们已经六个月了。。。每当过节或家庭聚会时就特别感慨，都会不经意地想“如果他还在的话，应该会很开心吧？” Jamie 有时还是会问 “爷爷，在哪里？” 最近一次我们趁冬至的时候带着两个小孩前去祭拜。当 Jamie 听到我们要去“看”爷爷时，她真的很开心。可是到了骨灰塔里，她又不明白到底是怎么一回事。我们也真的不知道要怎么和她解释，而我们的心都还在刺痛着。

感恩与期待

我很庆幸自己鼓起了勇气，离开了让自己不快乐的地方。虽然不知道现在的平静会持续多久，但重要的是我现在比从前快乐！很向往学习新的一切，迎接新的未来。感恩给予我机会翻身的贵人！

除了感恩与期待，对于新的一年也保持着希望。。。 

学习快乐

三年多来一直闷在心里，很不快乐。一直以为是自己哪里做得不好；一直自责自己是家人的累赘。一直让老公担心我，也让老公自责为什么他没法让我快乐。现在我离开了让我不快乐的地方，重新让自己觉得自己是个有用的人。我告诉自己今年我要重新学习快乐。我也要让我周围的人也快乐。

青春永驻

哈哈！我想这是每个女人都想达到的。这么努力才瘦下来的我，更希望自己的努力不会白费。所以加油、加油、加油！

家人健康

前两年家人陆续生病。今年希望家人都可以健健康康。健康就是福！

享受未知数

因为不喜欢未知数，所以一直处于害怕的状态。老公告诉过我，即使我害怕又有什么用？因为每个明天还是未知数。如果我们可以预知未来，那么就不会有 “惊喜” 了。什么事都在意料之内或许可以给你稳定的生活，但是生活也就会变得无趣。所以我们应该在有生之年珍惜拥有的一切，也感恩偶尔还有“好的”惊喜。 

对于“不好”的惊喜，就当作倒霉“哈哈”大笑了事。不然我们就会一直为被“不好”的惊喜困扰，更害怕未知数。。。

那么您又是以什么心情迎接新的一年呢？

Happy Big 5 Birthday, Jamie!

Birthday girl did not take her nap this afternoon so she knocked out at 9.30pm just now. Pity that this year I could not spend this special day with her, unlike last year. But I believe things will get better next year.

Sweet little girl asked me why didn't I buy a bigger cake today so that everyone can eat. I told her this hello kitty mini cake is exclusive to her... 

Nevertheless, sweet sister Jamie still shared her cake with Didi... 

As I browsed through her photos from 0 mths to 5 years old looking for nice photos for her birthday e-collage, I noticed that Jamie seemed to grow faster after Didi was born.

When I say 'grow faster', it means she looks more mature these days. 

I think most friends know that I am more attached to Jamie than James. Afterall there were only two of us during a large part of my pregnancy and the first 7 mths after Jamie was born. I enjoyed my life as a stay-home-mum from April 2009-July 2010 and inevitably Jamie and I are more bonded since. 

Whereas I was a full time working mother when I had James and went back to work after 16 weeks of my maternity leave. In addition, my helper (Pyone) was obessed with James since he was born. Hahaha... So she was very on the ball taking care of James since the day I returned from hospital. 

Other reasons why I am more attached to Jamie includes: 

1. She is more sensible and cooperative. Of coz there were times she was not obedient but we didn't need to use too much effort to talk sense with her. We know she is more sensible and mature than her peers. She understands reasoning at a young age from 6 months...

2. I feel guilty towards Jamie. Since I returned to the workforce in July 2010, I missed a lot of her milestones. Even after I switched to a 8-5 job in Mar 2011, it didn't help very much too. When I had James, the pregnancy was unstable, hence I had to stop carrying Jamie. She was only 2.5 years old then and didn't know why Mummy cannot carry her. 

Though she was not a child who needs lots of hugs, she still felt the sense of loss. But she was sensitive and could see that I was not well as I was bedridden very often. So she obliged to whatever she was asked not to do. It was then she became more independent.

Being the more independent child, she was also often neglected compared to the less cooperative Didi. I want to make it up for her. I want to assure her that I love her very much, if not more...

3. She is a very sensitive child and can sense when I need her company or reassurance. She will then use her own ways to assure me eg keeping me company and telling me she loves me. She is like me who needs a lot of reassurance. But I don't want her to grow up like me. I want her to be a self-sufficient and happy child. I don't want her to need others to reassure her. But from what I see, she lacks in self esteem and confidence too. Maybe because she was the year end child. She used to hide at a corner of the old classroom and cried when she could not do what her peers can do. She was especially slower in her gross motor and fine motor development. But since K1, she has showed a great improvement in her gross motor development. We are all proud of her. And now it's the struggle with her literacy. We are not sure if she needs more help with reading and she is still under review but I will be there for her no matter what happens. This is something I didn't have during and since my childhood (to know there is always someone standing by me and having faith in my capabilities). I will make sure she has it. 

4. Jamie is a selfless child. She loves to share even if it's her favorite toys. But because of this, she has developed a selfish Didi Hahahahaha...

But of coz she still has rooms for improvement. She is still at the not so sure what is right or wrong age and hence may pick up the wrong habits or thinks that if she grows up faster, she can do naughty things. So this is where we need to stay a look out and nurture her accordingly, to ensure she knows what's right and wrong. And what's a socially desirable action and what's not... 

Didi is another type of person altogether and it is really fun to watch the two children interact. 

All to All, I feel blessed with two lovely different children and this allows me to enjoy the diverse kind of parenting and parenthood. 

Let's enjoy the collages of Jamie's growing up.. See how my 2.75kg tiny boyish baby grows into a 18kg toned and pretty young girl... 

Her First Year

See my little mermaid and boyish looking baby. Most people thought she is a boy even when I dressed her in pink dresses, socks, shoes and hair accessories. And now Didi is mistaken as a girl.. Hahaha...

I have to say she was an easy baby. As a stay-home-mum, I was not always at home. I would lug her wherever I go, be it window shopping, meet my friends and attending birthday parties. Laogong was doing his masters since our wedding, so I was really 'alone' with Jamie. Maybe that's why she understands me and my instructions since 3-4 mths old...

1-2 years old

I was blessed that she never had her terrible two. She was cooperative from young, though cheeky at times...

Like said she was an easy child, we can bring her everywhere we go.. We go on many road trips to Msia when she was young. With Pyone joining the family, it was a blissful period for us. 

2-3 years old 

This is when things get a little tougher especially I was spotting very badly during Pyone's two month home visit during to pregnancy with Didi. Jamie was insecure and unsure why Mummy was always sick. She started to be more sticky but yet cooperative when told to listen to instructions. It was a great two months with Jamie though and we really feel we have each other once again..

See how fast my little toddler grows up from this stage onwards.. 

3-4 years old 

The arrival of Didi means loss of attention from her Aunty Pyone. In replacement, I tried to give her more attention. 

But Didi was not easy, hence we don't get to go out as much during Didi first year. 

See how lovely she is as a little big sister. She started to blossom into a pretty young girl too...

4-5 years old 

This year she grew up a lot.. See the photos. She poses very well these days when taking photos. She is more sociable and enjoys pairs and group activities (compared to 90% solitary play when she was below 4 years old). These days, she has the initiatives to walk over to a stranger and make friends with the children.

She even looks more mature and garang. She now believes certain things she can do it and certain thing she wants to do it. It's the negotiation and moral suasion stage now, to get her to buy in our ideas and values willingly. So far so good though I forsee more challenges because she is very outspoken and thinks a lot. So we can't talk to her at her level. We are trying to talk to her as if she is an older kid. 

As much as we hope she grows up slowly, what's important is really that we try to equip her with the skills and values to get her ready for the tough years ahead.. 

I believe if the child is resilient, even if life don't sail smooth, he/she will survive the waves and storms.. And enjoy the fruits of his/her labour..

Jiayou my Princess! You can do it!