I realised these days I like to pack all my weekends with various schedules to feel fruitful.
Example, just last Sunday alone I did the following:
1. Brought Jamie to the clinic to have her vaccination + my helper to do her 6-monthly medical examination.
2. Bought the reserved shower head from Punggol Plaza
3. Shopping at Sengkang Plaza for stationeries, recipe books and groceries etc
4. Dropped the shopping bags at home
5. Visited my in-laws for dinner
It seemed that these days weekends were never enough for a good rest because I want to do so many things too apart from resting...
However, the funny thing is, I don't feel upset having to run all these 'errands' or need to pack the weekends. In fact, I feel fruitful, happy and efficient.
And you know what? Just yesterday, I felt so sad towards my 'commitment' to Jamie. I felt I was not spending enough time with her. I asked myself why should I feel upset about spending time with her, instead of looking at the piles of work I brought home everyday. I have no issues about the piles of work. I have issues about my mindset towards spending time with Jamie.
Once again, I wonder if I am a good mother. If being at home means I am there for her? I know in my heart, I never felt my mother was there for me when I was young, though she was a housewife.
I remembered seeing Jamie ran to me and gave me super big hugs these days when she saw me coming home from work. It followed by her dancing to tunes from her new 'laptop'. She was even happy with just lying on my laps and watching TV with me. These were all that she asked for. And I had in my mind when she would go to sleep so I can do some work. I did not get to do any work so far at home, at least not the productive kind of work.
I held her hands tight last night, looking at her sleeping face. I told myself I want to give Jamie more than my mother had given me. Not just being physically around means I am there for her. I must too have in my mind that I am ever ready to just sit down with Jamie, sing with her, dance with her or just lie down and watch TV with her whenever she comes to me happily.
I felt guilty again that my helper had to carry her off when she 'disturbed' me looking for her birthday cakes online. It was really a stupid thing to do right? I should have just spend time with her and source for all these things when she fell asleep... What's the point of throwing her the best party in the world, when she could not get the little attention from me everyday. I feel guilty towards her. But cannot help it to hope I have more personal time and that I wish that she can understand I need to be alone to source for her party items...
I told myself again that Jamie will never appreciate the birthday party I organised or the toys I bought for her, if I don't even spend enough time with her daily... I have to try really hard to remind myself over and over again... Otherwise, I am going to create another person who is low self-esteem, always feel unloved by the mother, doubts her own capabilities and always yearning for recognition from others etc...
I really don't want that to happen...