又爱又恨.. A mother's struggle...

对于子女的可爱与玩劣,我想很多父母也都是这么想的吧!

Sometimes I really wonder what runs in her little mind.

Is she testing my patience? Or is she just ignorant of her own feelings?
Is she feeling insecure about going to school soon? Or she just needs more attention from me? Is she really mature enough to know everything we say to her? Or is she just guessing? Why is she a monster for a day and an angel for the next few days?

Some tell me that she is getting stickier coz she is approaching her Terrible Two Years but other said she is just insecure about going to school.

Frankly, sometimes I am kinda of lost. And when I am lost, I start reading parenting books to reassure myself. I guess it's never easy to be a mother. And it's even harder to be a good mother.

Sometimes I feel inadequate as a mother. Whenever I feel that way, I will start telling myself one is enough. And yes, that's exactly what I am feeling now. I just feel that I am not adequate as a mother. I mean, no or few mothers can read their children's minds. I don't even think my mother knows what runs in my mind. Or at least what I need. I can only remember I was brought up feeling inadequate. Inadequate in whatever roles I play, whatever work I do or even whatever decisions I made in my life. I was never told that I was good enough for anything or anyone.

I grew up thinking I was just lucky. When I met my hubby, I told myself he was just an angel loaned to me by 'God' (any invisible power up there). It can't be real or it was just too good to be true. I know I sound like a silly girl but yes, I had been and will be worshiping my hubby. I remember during the first few years together, I was so afraid to wake up one day realizing it was just a dream... Haha...

11 years had passed. And it is still like a dream to me.

I guess this is not the way I wish to bring up Jamie. I definitely wish that she can grow up to be a confident young lady who feels good about herself.

That's why I feel it's important for me to feel adequate as a mother. I can't imagine whether she will respect me if she knows her mother has low self-worth.

I need to throw away all my bad childhood memories, bad childhood experiences and start to believe in myself. Even if it was because I am lucky, there must be a certain reason for being 'selected' to be the lucky one.

Not everyone can be lucky enough to stay lucky for this long :)